Just Let Me Have This One.

I'm warning you now, this is going to be emo.

I feel like I'm slowly spiralling back into my own head, and falling face first into a pit of mortality. Everytime I think about someone I love or care about, one of the next immediate things in my mind is the sight of them dying. Or just the thought of them dying.

I miss my mom.

I miss my cat.

I miss my grandfather.

I have thought, and deeply considered quite a few times, just ending my life. It's so tempting. Having these nightmares and visions in my head, the blackouts, the lack of focus....I just want to leave this place.

I feel empty. Like I'm just floating on a sea of air. Dark air. I feel guilty all the time. For everything. For breathing, taking up space. Eating food. Wearing clothing.

Something is keeping me here, and it's stronger than my willpower. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I should be grateful for that or not.

~Dexie