Sod this, I'm fixing.

I am now officially determined to stop hating myself.

It's a long time coming, but to be honest, I'm not going to throw myself into that same pit of despair that the media, my social fears, and those mean bullies in primary school put me through day in and day out, just because I'm not a movie star.

Tim tells me I'm beautiful on a constant basis. Why can't I believe him? What is making his words just sound so incredibly weird that I can't process them as complete truth?

It's gotten better over the years with him, but I want it to get even more better. (Grammar, it fails me now.) I am determined to take my every little 'flaw' and turn it into something consciously, and unconsciously, part of my charming and wonderful self that other people see me as.

It's obviously made worse at the moment by Tim being in Germany. Much, much worse. But, what can I do about it other than continue waiting the 32 remaining days for him to come home? I'm determined to figure out how. So far, visiting people and playing tetris with the apartment has helped but when I do end up solitary and stationary again because of fatigue or whatever else, the thoughts come back. Not even My Little Pony helps with the distraction sometimes.

I hate my nose.
I want a flat stomach.
I think my eyes make me look old and tired.
Stretch marks riddle my legs.
My skin is prone to random (thankfully small) breakouts.

...And it's amazing, that's all I can think of right now. In terms of the good stuff:

Tim comes home on August 17th. Just JUUUST over a month left.
I have two adorable little hamsters, one of which is an immigrant.
The apartment is starting to look clean, and I have a system for getting rid of the remaining bins and bits and bobs that I can't figure out what to do with until August 17th.
My bff Tammie lets me raid her house on a regular basis just for shits and giggles.
I'm sure there's a bunch of other stuff too.

In any event, I want this to be a testament to my determination to stop hating myself, and if I get bad, just throw this blog entry back at my face and shove the positive reinforcement down my head. I'mma need help still :)

Peace, Love and MarioKart
~Dexie